A few weeks ago, we at LPFCW stumbled across a blog with an entry titled, 'For Chester, For Me, For You' and were entranced, touched and heartbroken by the grieving words of Michelle Ann, a band manager/booking agent that was at the heart of the Tempe music scene in the 90's, where she would meet and befriend Chester. The entry in question was written just 11 days after the initial shock and reads like an intimate diary entry: candid, intimate and raw. Intrigued, we reached out to Michelle, asking if she would be willing to share more of her memories with us and she kindly agreed, baring her soul to the world once more. There are a lot of entries on her blog regarding Chester, Chris Cornell and depression, as well as general entries and more creative freeform pieces. We encourage you to explore either before or after this interview to get a fuller picture of Michelle and who she is, as, per her own words, "as much as I always use too many words, and say much more than I need to, there are things I didn’t say, that I wanted to say."
This piece is a culmination of two interviews with a member of LPFCW - one online and one via the phone, in hopes of providing light to the wider LP community. She prefaces the interview with some reflection.
"I want to be very clear about something; I am gutted by Chester’s death, and it is a HUGE loss for everyone who knew him, loved him, and loved his music. And this time “one of us” for me, for my huge extended Arizona family of ridiculously talented creative feelers, really was ONE OF US. Chester and I were not BFFs. We were more like super casual Fs, (friends, just in case that might read other than intended) who were part of a brilliant, ridiculously talented, absolutely insane in the best, and worst ways, group of people in the music scene in Tempe, (really metro-Phoenix) AZ, at the same time. The week that Chester passed away, three days before that, my oldest sister was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. That was on Monday, Chester passed on Thursday and that was the worst week of my life. It was very, very weird and intense. It was just this weird moment in time, right? So, my sister passed away March 12th last year, so literally right after you sent me the questions, it was the one-year anniversary of her passing and it was just like, what is this intermingling of her and Chester? I was also working my way through that a little bit and answering the questions didn’t make it more difficult or anything, but it made it even more of a cathartic process for me, kind of walking through memories."
Is music something that you've always been drawn to?
Yes! I was always interested in the performance arts. I studied ballet, and piano, and was in school plays, musicals, and choirs, from a very young age. I was raised in a household where music was a constant, and the genres of music played were varied. I was always a ‘singer’ irrespective of having massive stage fright, and music has always been a place to escape into, to either forget, or remember. To help process emotions, even if I can’t identify what they are.
How did you get to become a booking agent and how long were you in the business for?
I started working in music when living in Miami/Ft. Lauderdale. My then-fiancé was a musician, and his band (which included the amazing Dream Theater drummer Mike Mangini) were booking their own shows. Within a short amount of time it became obvious that my ex didn’t enjoy working on the business end of music. I was at the time working in marketing in a corporate gig. We realized that my business acumen and understanding of artists/musicians would make me well suited to takeover the booking duties, and I was ultimately put in the role of the band’s manager as well (which is technically a no-no, but at the local club level, was no big deal).
From Florida I went on to Arizona and a phone call not meant for me ultimately led me to have the amazing fortune to work with my mentor in music, Bob Conrad. Conrad worked in Promotions at Columbia Records and has to his credit 42 Gold and Platinum certifications. It was while working as the Booking Agent for a band he managed, “Tripping With Grace”, that I first met Chester Bennington and Grey Daze.
I was also concurrently working as a manager of some bands on my own, and went on to work as the Local Marketing Representative for Never Records/Proper Sales and Distribution label group and distro company. Later on down the line, I acted as the manager for a band based out of Chicago as well. In total, I spent about 13 years working in music in some capacity or other. I am currently working on bringing to life a music mentorship program, which Chester’s death acted as a catalyst for me to move forward on.
Can you tell us more about your mentorship program?
It’s going to be centered in London and it’s going to provide mentorship to kids whose parents can’t afford it or who don’t support them going into the arts. More importantly, it’s going to be showing them other paths that they can use their musical talent for, so that they’re able to support themselves while pursuing their career in music. My intention is to pull in literally every possible resource. It’s going to be musicians of all levels either come in as mentors, either online or people that can come in and give lessons and also doing workshops.
Chester was lucky in that his parents were so supportive of him going into music, but so many people don’t have that at all or they can’t find a viable way to support themselves. I want this to be as known as possible obviously, and not for me, but for what it is and a big part of the reason why I’m doing it there is because busking is so supported there in the UK. Busk In London is such a huge initiative that’s backed by the mayor of London and it just feels like the right place to do it.
You talked about a helping musicians through mentorship. Have you seen what Mike Shinoda’s been doing with his song Open Door recently? Do you think there's a possibility of a collaboration in the future?
No, I haven't. I’ll take a look at that, when we’re off the phone, for sure.
Have you heard Post Traumatic released by Mike Shinoda? What are your thoughts on it?
Yeah, I have. It was very… It was amazing, because you could feel him walking through his emotions, literally. I think part of his intention was helping walk others through theirs. For me, the quintessential way for any musician or any creative person to walk through something that was so difficult for them is to express it through their art while also making it so public. I guess what I’m trying to say is it was like his therapy, and I think that that’s a beautiful thing. Again, I’m a glass half full type of person, it’s like he’s elevating this tragedy from just a tragedy. And he didn’t have to do that, he could’ve just kept it all behind closed doors for himself, whatever his therapeutic process was. I think it’s great he put it out there publicly like that.
In your original post, you mentioned the Tempe music scene and some of the artists involved. Can you summarise what that was like to be so integrated in that at the time?
I think that at the time, we who were involved in the scene, didn’t even realize the level of talent of the players we were involved with. What that means to say is; we KNEW that there were some amazing musicians and bands in the area, but we didn’t realize just how remarkable it was to have such a huge pool of talent in such a relatively small market. You could literally, on any night of the week, go see a great band at a great venue, not just go listen to some music at some bar. It sounds cheesy to say, but it was quite a magical time! What started out in many ways as a bunch of people with a common interest in music, became friends, and for many of us, family. More than 25 years on, and the ties that bind are still real.
Your bio says that you're 'writing your way into healing', is that something that has always helped you?
I honestly don’t remember when I started to write. I think it was when I was living in south Florida, so, my early 20’s. It started as poetry, but I was never much for rhyming or conventional formatting, if that makes sense. And I kept journals too, into which I’d pour my everything. For years, I would have words just come to me out of nowhere. Usually when I had nothing to write on or with. I had a huge collection of bar napkins with “poems” written on them, as words often came through while I was watching bands play! I started blogging during the Myspace days, after being inspired by what I’d seen some of the others' writing. That was my first step into cathartic writing in a public forum.
Your writing is clearly genuine and from the heart - is it sometimes hard to bare so much of yourself?
Oddly enough, no. I think because, at some point long ago, I decided to not be a secret keeper. The older generations of my family were big into that, to prevent rocking boats I suppose. I didn’t see the benefit in that. Not to say I was giving away family secrets that needed to be kept for real reasons. And then I spent the better part of 10 years being silent about what was happening to me in an abusive marriage. When I got out of that, and realized that I could maybe be the voice that finds its way to another who needs it, to help them get through whatever they are struggling with, I started opening up even more.
What do you feel needs to happen to change the way that we think about mental health?
I have a very different perspective on mental health than many do.
First and foremost, I think we need to stop viewing some things as mental health ‘issues’. I’m not a doctor or therapist, so I’m not coming at it from that perspective, but, I think, for example, we stigmatize things like Autism, and Asperger’s by calling them mental illnesses. What if these people are just on a different level than we are? What if they just don’t fit into the boxes society says are the right/ok/good boxes to fit into? I also think that we too often identify a person as their diagnosis, when there is so much more to a human being than just what is going on with their mental health.
Equally important, I think that we need to take a better look at whole health to get to an understanding of why “mental health” issues seem to run rampant now. By that I mean things like; what are we eating? (GMO’s. Pesticides. Processed food. Fluoride in the water. Non-pastured meat products. ALL the sugar!!!) Why is crap food so much more affordable than what is actually natural and good for us, forcing most people to eat only what they can afford? Why are doctors more willing to prescribe drugs that manage symptoms, than treat a whole human? Please note I am NOT saying that meds don’t have their place! They DO. But, they aren’t a cure. But things like gut microbiome being balanced has been shown to have a very positive effective on anxiety and depression. Why aren’t we looking at that more? And truly looking at the quality of life as we are living it. Are humans, in particular in America, living lives that are counter intuitive to mental health, because of how we are almost forced to live our lives to be able to afford them?
Also, I think that the modality of therapies being used needs to be looked at. Are “we” doing what is most curative, or what is most profitable?
How important is spirituality to you?
In a non-traditional sense, ‘spirituality’ has become the crux of my life. I don’t believe in a god, or religion in general. My beliefs, which are very strongly held, are more pagan-ish, ‘old ways’ Indigenous tribe-ish. Without my beliefs, none of this (life as we know it) would make sense or be worthwhile, to me. But I’ve literally, for the last 3.5 years in practice, and my whole life without being cognitively aware of it, been on a deeply ‘spiritual’ path, as an empath, a healer, and someone who is now committed to fulfilling a greater purpose with the goal of helping young musicians, and helping to bring healing in general, by way of that. THAT is what I believe to be my ‘spiritual’ purpose in this life.
Have you found solace in any particular music since Chester's passing?
Yes! Immediately after he passed, I was listening very heavily to his side project “Dead By Sunrise.” I think that’s some of his best work. I have a pretty varied taste in music, but the common denominator for me is most often depth of the lyrics. I’m also a sucker for a great harmony when it’s suited to the song.
Some of the artists I’ve listened to the most in the last few years are:
Steve Balsamo, a UK artist who has done loads of work in various genres, whose current vibe is Americana-ish. A great lyricist, and love the harmonies in his songs, and quite literally one of the most amazing voices I’ve ever heard. He has a side project, called Chimpan A, its classified as prog, and they’ve just released their second record, which I’m loving.
P!nk is a frequent go to. She’s such a strong woman, without being over bearing. She is so true to herself, musically and lyrically! So much catharsis in her music. She can bring me to tears, or make me want to conquer the world.
I love Christina Perri, too. Her song with Cash Cash “Hero” really pulled me through a lot of tough times. And “Distance” is another fave.
Tool, and Disturbed have been listened to a lot as well. Again, LYRICS! And when I’m needing to really release stress by listening to aggressive, loud rock, they are perfect.
When I’m just looking to float away I love Joe Satriani and Ludavico Einaudi.
You said that Dead By Sunrise was some of his best work. How would you feel if they released a posthumous album?
If there were stuff that was already in existence, I think that it would be amazing. If it were kind of a… So with the Grey Daze album they’re bringing out, I know that there’s hardly anything that exists in its original form. They’ve been very clear about that, they’ve retracked it musically completely and that makes more sense because it was from a very, very long time ago. If there were still some Dead By Sunrise recordings in existence that never got released, I think that would be amazing. I would love that. I imagine now, [Ryan Shuck] would probably hold off on it for now, with the Grey Daze release about to come out. I think that it was so amazing that they brought some of his kids on to it, I imagine that was very healing for them, so that was super cool of them to do.
If you've been able to listen to them, how do you feel about the recent Grey Daze releases?
I’ve only heard what the general public has heard. I LOVE hearing his voice and those songs again. There’s a part of me that wishes they’d not be changed so much musically as I hear they have been, but also, I LOVE that they have been changed. It’s like there are different versions of him living through the music.
Do you believe that Chester would want us to continue celebrating his life and achievements?
My feeling is the main thing Chester would want is for people to keep talking about mental health. The why of it. He was so candid in his conversations about what he had gone through in his life. I think that’s where he’d want the focus to be.
Do you have any photos with Chester or any momentos of your time together that you wish to share?
Unfortunately anything that I might have would be in the states. I’m in Italy just now, and don’t even remember what all I might have. I probably have some video, as in VHS video, of Grey Daze, but I have no idea when I’ll be able to look to see. I had a lot of photos that got ruined, unfortunately, which more than likely included some of him. And somewhere there exists a video of me being interviewed while getting my first tattoo, while Grey Daze was playing, at Club Tattoos first “Club Sex” event at The Electric Ballroom. I never had a copy of it, but a friend of Mace is the one who took the vid, so, it might resurface someday!
How do you feel about the 2017 events now?
Because I try to see the brightest side of things, while it is so sad for his children that he chose to leave, and so sad for everyone who misses him, and his music, I think that his death has REALLY created a bigger conversation around mental health, is the silver lining on an otherwise dark cloud.
I’m not his kids, obviously, that’s got to really super ache not having… I know kids whose parents have died by suicide and I know that has to be really hard, to look at it and be like, “Why wasn’t I enough for you to stay?” That’s got to be so, so difficult and I can’t imagine it. But the explosion of conversation of mental health stuff after he died by suicide…
And of course, there were so many other people just before, too. An alarming number of people. I just feel like there was just some part of him that, I don’t want to say knew, but it opened up the conversation so much more. There are so many people talking about it, it took away some of the stigmatism from it, you know? And there’s that silver lining I was talking about. A lot of people could be like, “You’re a fucking whackjob”, or “You’re a cold-hearted, cruel person” or whatever. But you really, really do have to look a the silver linings in these situations because there are people that become consumed by their grief, right?
Even with what’s happening right now with Coronavirus, I know so many people who are terrified. I’m not saying be like, ‘oh, no big deal’, but people who are just living in that fear instead of just like… I don’t want to say making the best of it but try and shift out of the grief to move forward because we’re all still here.
Following on from that, do you think some of Chester’s struggles were kind of carried over from the grief of Chris [Cornell], just a few months before?
Yes, I do. I think that was definitely a part of it, because that was a life that was so close to his, and that had to have really impacted him. In Shamanistic beliefs, they believe that people that struggle with deep, deep, deep mental health issues can maybe be feeling other stuff bleeding in from past lives or things like that, and that can be a real struggle for them. You can leave that out, but I just wanted to throw that out there to you [laughs]. But yes, in his life, I think that was a really big loss for him.
What’s making me crazy is, and I don’t know if you’ve heard about it, is some of the stupid conspiracy stuff. Ah, it pisses me off. I literally have people I consider my friends saying to me, “Well, don’t you think that he was maybe killed? Blah, blah, blah…” I heard someone say that someone else is his real father and I’m like, stop. Do you honestly think that if he had knowledge of some paedophile ring, he would just be like, ‘I’m not gonna talk about it for a super long time’ and then right before he was going to, it just makes absolutely no sense to me that people could even think that. That he was just holding that back, as candid as he was about his own molestation. It’s just mind blowing and kind of horrific. Because honestly if that was the truth, if he knew about this paedophile ring and he was just keeping quiet to preserve his own whatever, until some time down the road and in the meantime there were more kids being hurt, that would just make him a not very good person. It’s all shit anyway.
What would you say to anyone reading that believes any of these sort of conspiracy theories?
The people who read them and are like, ‘I don’t know’, everybody has their freedom to read things. It’s the people who throw this out there like it’s factual… I think that they forget that this was a human being who was a husband and a father and a son, and I think they need to be really cautious because it’s painting him in this potentially not-so-great light.
And you really think Talinda would just go ahead and be like, “Eh, go ahead, he died by suicide. I’m not gonna try and find out if he was actually murdered.” Like, come on! I think it’s very insensitive and people need to be very careful about that kind of thing. I bet you could find a thousand people on this planet that look like they could be my mother, you know what I mean? So, to be like, “Somebody else is his dad,” that’s really shitty to his mom and to his dad.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m open to hearing conspiracy theories because I think there’s a lot that we don’t know in this life, but I think that we have to be really cautious in what we’re throwing out there and not saying it as absolute fact. Why is it even being thrown out there to begin with? But people are kind of jerks, too [laughs].
You said that he ‘chose to leave’. Do you think that people that suffer in the ways Chester did actually choose to leave – or is it sort of forced upon them by pressures of an uncaring society?
For me, I believe for right or wrong, I believe we choose when we leave. Chester literally chose when he was leaving in the physical sense, but this for me, goes above that. At a soul level, I believe we choose when we leave here. Although in the physical, all indicators for Chester in all of the videos, yeah he was struggling a bit, but overall, appearances were that he was happy and that he had such great things going on. But obviously, I think that’s another level of where he was. Even with my sister I believe - she fought her cancer, she was doing so much better, and they thought they were going to cure her. Then suddenly, it took a major nose-dive and she passed. My belief is she chose to exit, not in the physical, because if she could speak, she would’ve told you, “I want to live, I want to live,” but at a soul level, I think she chose the exit. Obviously, I have no proof of this, it’s just my feeling, and maybe it’s just something I say to myself to make it feel a little bit better. I believe that whatever is on the other side of this is infinitely better than it is here. I don’t believe in a Hell sort of thing.
What do you feel about the criticism and hate he and the band faced on the One More Light tour?
I remember seeing that and thinking, ‘Why are they not allowed to evolve musically? Why do they always have to sound the same?’ I’m really passionate about music and I know artists are really sensitive. I have not in this lifetime, and I have met thousands and thousands of musicians of various levels of fame, met one of them that isn’t super sensitive, that’s part of being a creative human. You don’t have to like somebody’s music, but for critics and fans to be like, “This sucks, we don’t like it,” because it’s a different sound, was just mind blowing to me. I didn’t see a concert, but I saw the clips where he was responding to fans being not so happy about it, I was just like, ‘get over yourselves people, they aren’t trying to make Hybrid Theory for the 12th time!’
Do you think given the aftermath of what happened, do you think that led to less harsh criticism in music by fans nowadays?
No. No, I don’t. I think the way our society is still, I don’t know what will ever shift it. What we’re seeing right now is that social media is amazing, right? The interconnectedness of the internet is amazing. But what it also has done is opened up the ability to be super, super unkind on a much broader scale, and we are still being super, super unkind on a much broader scale. I think that we’re just so desensitised to so much and I don’t know what it’s going to take for people to just be more kind. That includes being critical of other peoples’ music, because it’s great to say, “I’m just not into it,” but people go so much further than that.
Any final thoughts?
What I will emphasize again is, from Chester's passing to what Mike Shinoda has done with his album and I’m gonna have to check on what else he’s doing, to everything with the Make Chester Proud thing and what Grey Daze is doing with putting new music out, I think that if something else is a good by-product of what something like this can be, is the realisation of how helpful music is. What’s happening right now with Coronavirus and artists doing livestreams and whatnot, I think that if we can all come together like that, we can shift things for the better for the world in general.
We would once again like to thank Michelle for being so open and willing to talk with us and recommend her blog, Per Aspera Ad Astra, for more of her work, or visit her website. Follow her Instagram and Twitter account for more updates.
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised within the article, help and resources can be found at Buddy Project. This work is solely for the use of LPFCW and Hannah Turek and is not to be redistributed on third party sites without permission from the author.
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